aaron c beals

Today on BA, I came across a list of ways you know you’re a homebrewer. The format hits a little too close to Jeff Foxworthy territory for my liking, but enough of these caused me to laugh out loud (or wonder who had been spying on me) that I figured it was permissible. I was going to tag all the lines that apply to me, but I really don’t feel like self-incriminating, so I’ll leave it as an exercise for the reader (with one exception).
You know that you’re a homebrewer …

• If you wander through the isles of the grocery store saying to yourself “I wonder if that would ferment.”
• If you know what a sparge arm is.
• If you have more empty bottles in your house than Teddy Kennedy.
• If your idea of international diplomacy is combining Belgian yeast with British malts and German hops.
• If the FBI raids your house, suspecting that your yeast ranch is a WMD lab.
• If you know the secret motto “RDWHAH”.
• If you’ve been banned from the kitchen ever since the “Boilover Incident of ’99″.
• If you’ve ever tried to improve a Budweiser by stirring in a crumbled hop pellet.
• If you have a hose adapter permanently attached to your kitchen faucet.
• If you wanted to name the puppy “Fuggles.”
• If you own a sterile trash can.
• If you have more than 10 gallons of beer in your home right now.
• If you measure beer in gallons.
• If you don’t think 10 gallons of beer is a lot.
• If you’ve ever used a mop on a ceiling.
• If you have a large stove pot that no one else is allowed to use.
• If you’ve ever driven your car in winter with the windows down and the heat off because you were afraid the cooler in the backseat was getting warm.
• If you’ve ever stumped the tour guide on a megabrewery tour, deliberately.
• If you have a glass that you wash by hand instead of in the dishwasher.
• If you’ve ever said any of these phrases:
  “In a not-frosted glass, please.”
  “Probably dirty hoses.”
  “What kind of beer is it supposed to be?”
  “By weight or by volume?”
  “My yeast is ready.”
  “Aw, crap, twist-offs.”
• If there is a bottle in the refrigerator with an air lock on it.
• If you’ve ever butted into the conversation of total strangers because you overheard the word “sparge.”
• If you can’t remember the last time you popped open a flip-top beer can.
• If you’ve ever cut a hole in a refrigerator door.
• If you’ve ever gone to a redemption center to buy bottles.
• If your 10-year-old critiques the clarity and head retention of her root beer.
• If the owner of the beer store doesn’t remember your name anymore.
• If a waitress has said you’re the first person to ever send a beer back.
• If your kid entered the science fair with a demonstration of fermentation.
• If you’ve ever bought a six-pack of beer just because you needed the empties.
• If walking across your kitchen floor sounds like Velcro.
• If you’ve ever pulled bottles out of other people’s recycling bins.
• If you’ve ever put the kids to bed dirty because the tub was full of soaking bottles.
• If every T-shirt you own is from a brewpub or microbrewery.
• If your key chain has a bottle opener on it.
• If you have a T-shirt or bumper sticker that says:
  “I Brew, Therefore I Am”
  “I Fear No Beer”…
  “I’d rather be home…brewing!”
• If you refer to the foam on a pot of boiling spaghetti as “hot break”.
• If you have several boxes of empties (various sizes and types) in your garage, even though you Keg, “just in case”.
• If you have ever put hops in your coffee, and thought “Hey, that’s better!”
• If you find yourself standing next to another guy at Home Depot holding several brass fittings and a cooler.
• If you can brag that your vehicle can actually hold 40 cornies and still have room in the front seat…
• If you have more refrigerators in your garage than in your house.
• If you have more taps at home than in the corner bar.